


The Only Words That Matter

by alanna_the_lionheart



Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: Angst, Brothers, Christmas, Coda, Coping, Drama, Dream Sex, Dreams, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s03e09 The Climb, F/M, Family, Felicity/Diggle friendship, Five Stages of Grief, Friendship, Grief/Mourning, Hanukkah, Hurt/Comfort, Love, Malcolm Merlyn is the devil, Mrs. Fernandez's cat, New Years, Oliver/Diggle friendship, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Romance, Team Arrow, Trauma, olicity - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-04
Updated: 2015-01-04
Packaged: 2018-03-05 05:57:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3108593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alanna_the_lionheart/pseuds/alanna_the_lionheart
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I love you.”</p><p>Felicity clings to Oliver’s last words as the days pass by with no news. She refuses to believe that he’s dead, even when Malcolm Merlyn shows up with a sword covered in his blood. Oliver will come home. He HAS TO.</p><p>But when Felicity finds herself staring down a reality she’s not ready to accept, she realizes she can’t face it alone. She, Diggle, Roy, Laurel, and Thea must lean on each other to cope with their loss. As the weeks pass, Felicity finds that the only words that matter anymore are the only ones she never got a chance to say.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Promises

**Author's Note:**

> The first chapter is from Diggle’s POV, the rest of the story is from Felicity’s. The main pairing is Oliver/Felicity, but the Felicity/Diggle friendship is a strong part of this story as well.
> 
> I started writing this about a week after the finale: BEFORE the New Zealand 2015 promo, and ALSO BEFORE anything else that came out after it, like the official 3.10 episode description. I did watch the promo, but I decided not to read the episode description. The only thing I ended up changing for this story was I had Felicity alone when she got the news (as hinted at in the promo) instead of being with the others as I’d originally planned. In my plans, Merlyn was ALWAYS the one to bring her the sword, and Felicity was ALWAYS the only one to doubt that Oliver was dead. Any similarities to the episode description are pure coincidence.

* * *

**The Only Words That Matter**

**_Promises_ **

Oliver leaves at 8 o’clock on a Wednesday night.

 

He boards a plane at 8:30. At 8:32, he sends Diggle a text:

 

“If I make it out of this, I will contact you within 72 hours. No matter what it takes, I will let you know that I’m all right.”

 

At 8:35 he sends him another, and he prays it’s not the last text he will ever send:

 

“John, this is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to ask, but if I don’t make it home, please take care of Felicity.”

 

At 8:37, Diggle texts him back. Two words.

 

“I promise.”

 

Oliver closes his phone, rubs his hands through his hair, and takes a deep breath.

 

He _will_ make it home. He _has to_.

 

He has no idea who he is anymore. Is he The Arrow…or Oliver Queen?

 

Can he really be _both_?

 

He told Felicity that he was sure of two things.

 

He _will_ do whatever it takes to save his sister. He will die for Thea if he has to.

 

And for Felicity, the only other thing he has ever been sure of? For the woman he loves?

 

For Felicity, he will _live_.

 

* * *

 

After Oliver leaves Felicity with three words and a tidal wave of emotions that threaten to drown her, Diggle and Roy return to the Arrow Cave.

 

No one says a word.

 

There’s nothing to say. Nothing that matters, nothing that will make any of them feel better.

 

They sit quietly for nearly an hour.

 

At 8:40, Diggle breaks the silence.

 

“72 hours.”

 

“What?” Roy asks from his spot on the floor. He lifts his head up from his knees and looks at Diggle in confusion.

 

“Oliver. He’ll let us know if he’s….”

 

_If he’s alive._

The words sit unspoken between them all, filling the air with a heavy sense of dread. Diggle watches Felicity sink even lower in her chair from the weight of it, and he has to say something to ease the tension.

 

“In 72 hours, we’ll know that he’s okay.”

 

He puts as much confidence behind the words as he can, and he almost believes it.

 

* * *

 

The three of them spend the next 72 hours in the Arrow Cave.

 

Just waiting.

 

Feeble attempts at conversation are made and quickly abandoned.

 

They watch movies to pass the time – stupid movies, happy movies – but no one really pays attention.

 

Diggle and Roy leave occasionally to bring back food.

 

What little sleep they can get is taken on cots, or, in Felicity’s case, in Oliver’s old bed.

 

They get maybe ten hours between them.

 

Felicity calls in personal time at work, claiming that her aunt is sick.

 

Seconds, minutes, hours crawl by in a silent vigil.

 

They wait, and they watch.

 

Twelve hours becomes one day.

 

One day becomes two.

 

And somehow, some way, 72 hours pass, taking forever and yet no time at all.

 

* * *

 

 

It’s 8:30 PM on Saturday. It’s been 72 hours, 30 minutes since Oliver left. Diggle knows that Oliver is gone. Oliver promised he would contact them within 72 hours, and he knows that nothing short of death would keep him from doing so.

 

Nothing short of death would keep him from contacting any of them, but especially….

 

“Felicity.”

 

Diggle’s voice is hoarse from lack of use, but it’s a stark contrast to Felicity’s, which comes out strong despite the fact that she hasn’t said a word in three days.

 

“No.”

 

* * *

 

Twelve more hours pass.

 

Diggle doesn’t want to believe it, but he does. Oliver is gone, but none of them wants to admit it.

 

He doesn’t want to be the one to break the silence, but he has to. _Someone_ has to say something. They can’t sit here in silence forever.

 

He made a promise, after all, and he intends to keep it.

 

“Felicity…I don’t want to be the one to say it-”

 

“So then _don’t_ , John.”

 

Four words. It’s more than Felicity has said in almost as many days. But it’s her tone more than anything that surprises him. He’s not sure he’s _ever_ heard her talk to him – or _anyone_ for that matter – with so much disdain in her voice.

 

He knows it’s not directed at him, but at what he wants to say, and he doesn’t take it to heart. But someone needs to say it.

 

“Felicity…it’s been nearly four days. If he was still….”

 

He can’t say it. God help him, he can’t say it.

 

He takes a deep breath and forces the words out.

 

“Don’t you think he’d have found a way to contact us by now?”

 

“He’s not dead,” she responds bluntly, her eyes never leaving the fern.

 

The fern. Felicity’s been staring at it for the past hour. She’s been staring at it on and off for three days.

 

Out of the corner of his eye, Diggle notices how Roy flinches at Felicity’s use of the word “dead.” Roy isn’t handling this any better than Felicity is.

 

Or any better than him.

 

Diggle is trying his damndest to hold it together – for Roy, for Felicity, for all of them – but it feels like part of him has died. The part of him that admired Oliver, the part that loved him like a brother…the part of him that swore to protect this man at all costs.

 

The part of him that wanted to save him like he couldn’t save Andy.

 

He’s trying his damndest to hold it together, but it feels like he’s lost his brother all over again.

 

“Felicity….” He says her name like a plea, as though he’s begging her to see reason.

 

Finally, Felicity tears her gaze away from the fern.

 

“Go,” she says quietly, and he’s floored by the sudden softness in her voice.

 

“What?”

 

“GO,” she says again, more vehemently this time. “Go see Lyla. Go see your daughter.”

 

“I….”

 

He promised Oliver he would take care of Felicity, and yet here she is trying to take care of him.

 

“Go see your family. Go tell them you love them.”

 

Diggle shakes his head. How is it that she knows exactly what he needs when he wasn’t even aware of it himself?

 

Finally, he takes a deep breath and gets to his feet.

 

“Okay.”

 

Felicity nods, and an understanding passes between them.

 

And suddenly, it hits him. Of course. Felicity knows what he needs…because it’s what she needs, too.

 

“I have to go,” Roy says suddenly, getting to his feet. “I have to…I just have to go.”

 

He turns to leave without another word, but Felicity stops him.

 

“Roy.”

 

He turns back, tears falling silently down his face.

 

“I’ll be here when you come back.”

 

Diggle recognizes the promise in her words, and as Roy nods and leaves, he remembers his own promise.

 

_Take care of Felicity._

And he will. He will die before he ever lets anything happen to her.

 

“I’ll be back in a few hours.”

 

“Take all the time you need. I’ll be here when you come back.”

 

Diggle hears the promise in her words yet again. He nods at her and turns to leave.

 

Halfway to the door, he turns back.

 

She’s staring at the fern again.

 

“Felicity.”

 

She tears her eyes away once more, and in her gaze Diggle sees a determination he didn’t think to find there.

 

“If you need anything… _anything_ …call me. Please?”

 

She doesn’t say a word in response, but she nods.

 

He’s halfway up the stairs when he hears her whisper three words into the silence.

 

“He’s not dead.”

 

_...tbc..._


	2. Denial

* * *

**The Only Words That Matter**

**_Denial_ **

On the fourth day after Oliver leaves her, Felicity sits in the Arrow Cave alone.

 

Roy returns in the early afternoon, and he brings food with him: dumplings, from her favorite restaurant.

 

She barely touches them.

 

He stays with her for a few hours before throwing on his Arsenal gear and leaving to “let off some steam.”

 

Around 8, Diggle brings her dinner. More dumplings, from her favorite restaurant.

 

She eats more than she did for Roy, but she does it for John’s sake and not her own.

 

He stays with her for a few hours and tries to convince her to go home.

 

He falls asleep on one of the cots around midnight.

 

Felicity crawls into Oliver’s bed around three in the morning. She breathes deep, hoping to catch a memory of his scent, but he hasn’t slept here in a long time.

 

She falls asleep around five.

 

She doesn’t cry.

 

She hasn’t cried since he left.

 

She hasn’t cried since he told her he loves her.

 

* * *

 

At 8 in the morning she wakes Diggle and goes home. She showers, downs a cup of coffee, puts her hair up, and goes back to work.

 

She doesn’t know what else to do. All she knows is that Roy and John are worried about her, and the last thing she wants right now is for them to worry.

 

So she throws herself back into life.

 

Oliver isn’t dead. He can’t be.

 

Oliver will come back to her, and when he does he won’t find her pining in the dark.

 

But she _does_ go back to the Foundry that night, and the next night, just to be sure.

 

Oliver doesn’t return on the fifth night.

 

He doesn’t return on the sixth night.

 

On the seventh night, she returns to the Arrow Cave to wait, and she finds Diggle and Roy already there.

 

They’ve stumbled onto a case. It should be an easy one, and while none of them really wants to do anything without Oliver, Roy and Diggle are clearly going stir crazy and feeling useless. And so Felicity fires up her computers and puts in her earpiece.

Roy goes as Arsenal, and Diggle goes as himself.

 

It _does_ turn out to be an easy case. Two hours later, Diggle deposits the bad guys at the back door of the SCPD and tells Felicity they’re on their way back.

 

Felicity takes out her earpiece and leans back in her chair.

 

“Felicity Smoak?”

 

His voice makes her blood run cold.

 

Swiveling around, she finds Malcolm Merlyn standing at the foot of the stairs. In his hands is a sword.

 

The sword is covered in blood.

 

“I have a message for you.”

 

He steps towards her. Felicity stands, and she knows what he’s going to say before he says it.

 

“Oliver Queen is dead.”

 

He holds out the sword, and she takes it from him. It feels like it weighs a ton, and she grasps it in hands that have gone suddenly numb.

 

Merlyn keeps talking. He talks about how Oliver was stabbed by Ra’s Al Ghul. How he fell off the cliff of the mountaintop they were fighting on. How his body was never found, that it was most likely buried under the snow. Ra’s Al Ghul’s men looked for him, as did Merlyn himself.

 

As Malcolm Merlyn talks, Felicity stares at him in disgust.

 

Malcolm Merlyn: the man who snuck, unnoticed, to the top of a mountain, to watch a fight that he caused himself.

 

Malcolm Merlyn, who wanted to see what happened to Oliver Queen so he could deliver the news to Thea.

 

Malcolm Merlyn, who poisoned his daughter, forced her to kill an innocent woman, and blackmailed Oliver into turning himself in.

 

Malcolm Merlyn.

 

Felicity wants to say so much. She wants to tell him how much he disgusts her, how he’s a monster for doing this to Oliver, for doing this to his own daughter.

 

She wants to say so much, but her voice isn’t working, and she can only stand in silence as the devil talks in her ear.

 

“I’ve already told Thea. I thought you deserved to know as well. Feel free to test the blood on the sword, but I promise that it’s his.”

 

Felicity stares at the sword in her hands, but when she finally finds the courage to speak, Merlyn is long gone.

 

* * *

 

Felicity runs an analysis of the blood, just to be sure.

 

The results are what she expected.

 

It’s Oliver Queen’s blood on the blade.

 

She sets it on the table in front of her and sits down.

 

That’s how Diggle, Roy, and Laurel find her twenty minutes later.

“We ran into Laurel upstairs,” Diggle starts to explain from behind her. “She wants to know where Oliver is. I thought that….”

 

He trails off, and she knows he’s seen the bloody sword on the table.

 

Felicity looks up, and her gaze meets Laurel’s first. Laurel looks from her to the sword and back again, and her eyes ask a question that Felicity doesn’t want to answer.

 

But she doesn’t have to. Laurel puts it together and shakes her head,

 

“Oh my god. Oliver.”

 

Felicity tells them what Merlyn told her. She tells them how she ran a test, and she confirms that it’s Oliver’s blood on the sword.

 

Diggle doesn’t say anything; he’s already accepted that Oliver is gone.

 

Roy curses Merlyn’s name, and as he vents, Felicity finds herself glad that Merlyn has gone already.

 

“How could he do that? How could he tell Thea that her brother is dead? He had no right! After everything he’s _done_ to her?! After he betrayed her, and framed her, and blackmailed her brother? After he sent Oliver to his _death_?! He has no right to be anywhere _near_ Thea anymore, much less to tell her that her brother is _dead_.”

 

“STOP!”

 

It’s Laurel who screams the word.

“Stop saying that word. Stop saying he’s _dead_!”

 

Tears start to fall down Laurel’s cheeks, and Felicity finds herself acknowledging for the first time that, while Laurel may not necessarily be in lovewith Oliver anymore, she clearly still cares for him.

“I didn’t even know he was _gone_. He never…he never even told me he was _leaving._ How can he be _dead_?”

  
Felicity wants to say something, but she doesn’t know what to say. Oliver told her that he loved her before he left. It never occurred to her that he left Laurel without even saying goodbye.

 

“Laurel….” Diggle clearly wants to say something too, but like Felicity, he’s at a loss.

 

They were all so caught up in their own torment and grief that they never thought to say anything to her.

 

In the end, she doesn’t blame them for not saying anything to her, though she has every right to. In the end, the only thing she can focus on is the fact that-

 

“He never even said _‘goodbye.’_ ”

 

They all fall quiet, lost in their own thoughts.

 

Finally, Felicity can’t stand the silence anymore.

 

“I don’t believe him.”

 

The three of them look at her like she’s gone crazy, but she doesn’t care. She doesn’t believe it. She won’t believe it until there’s proof. Real proof. A body, or a video, or something. Yes, it’s Oliver’s blood coating the sword, but that doesn’t mean he’s dead.

“Felicity.”

 

There’s pity in the way Diggle says her name, and it makes her furious.

 

She gets to her feet angrily.

 

“This is _Malcolm Merlyn_ we’re talking about here. The man who tried to level half of Starling City. The man who forced his own daughter to kill Sara. The man who sent Oliver off to fight a duel to the death. Why should we believe _anything_ he has to say?”

 

“Felicity.”

 

Diggle takes a tentative step toward her, and when she doesn’t flinch he moves closer.

 

“Look at the sword.”

 

She looks, though she already knows what it looks like.

 

“Look at how much blood is on it. Think about how deep it must have gone in.”

 

“ _Don’t_ ,” Roy responds warningly, and Felicity agrees; she doesn’t want to hear this, either.

 

“He’s been gone for a week,” Diggle continues. “If he was still alive, he would have found a way to contact us. He would have found a way to contact _you_.”

 

Felicity shakes her head and steps in closer. They’re practically on top of each other now.

 

“He’s not dead, John. I’m sorry you don’t believe that, but I do.”

 

“Felicity,” Diggle responds, and the pity is back in his voice. “I know you don’t want to accept it. I know it’s easier to deny it. I know-”

 

“You don’t know _anything! None of us do!_ Oliver is _not dead_. He _can’t be!_ ”

 

She’s nearly hysterical now, and the tears that are falling from her eyes are tears of frustration rather than sadness. Why can’t any of them understand? Why are they all so willing to just stand here and accept it?

 

“How do you _know_?” he asks her, and something in Felicity breaks.

 

“Because _he loves me_.”

 

She throws the words out in front of her like a shield, and maybe they are.

 

Oliver left because he needed to save his sister…but he’s going to come home because he loves her.

 

_I’m someone who will do whatever,_ whatever, _it takes to save my sister._

_I love you._

Oliver was willing to die to save Thea…but he’s going to _live_ for her.

 

Diggle doesn’t have a response. None of them do. Maybe they all think she’s crazy. Maybe they all think she’s deluded, that she’s lying to herself, but she honestly doesn’t care. Let them think what they want.

 

Oliver is coming home.

 

Felicity’s declaration must shake something in all of them, because suddenly they all need to leave.

 

“I need to see Thea,” Roy says first, and he leaves just like that. He’s been a man of few words this past week, and it seems the only person he really wants to share his words with is Thea.

 

“I…I need to be alone,” Laurel says next, and she leaves behind Roy, her fists clenched at her sides.

 

Felicity stares at Diggle, waiting for him to leave, too.

 

Instead he pulls her into a hug.

 

John Diggle has never been an emotional man, and the hug surprises her at first, but then she realizes the hug is for her, and so she hugs him back.

 

“Go be with your family, John. I’ll be okay.”

 

It’s the second time in a week she’s told him this, and it’s a fact that’s not lost on either of them.

 

“Are you sure?” he asks as he pulls away.

 

“I’m sure,” she responds, and she means it.

 

She’s going to be okay….

 

Because _Oliver_ is going to be okay.

 

* * *

 

Over the next five days, Roy spends more time with Thea. Apparently Merlyn came up with some bogus lie involving a plane crash that killed Oliver, and he faked some evidence to go with his story. Thea must trust him more than any of them do, because she accepts his story at face value. Or at least, she _seems to._ Roy plays up the story when he’s with her, encouraging the rest of them to do the same.

 

They’ve all been lying to her for so long that no one thinks twice about doing it again.

 

Felicity expects to find Laurel spending more of her time at Verdant, but then Thea admits she hasn’t seen her around. Eventually, Felicity discovers that Laurel is spending most of her time training with Ted Grant. It seems that Laurel really _has_ begun to channel her emotions the same way that Oliver does.

 

Felicity wonders how much healthier it is than drinking away her feelings.

 

Diggle spends most of his time with Lyla and Sara, but he checks in on Felicity every day, whether it’s a quick phone call or a lunchtime visit.

 

And Felicity? She throws herself into her job at Palmer Industries.

 

Oliver’s not dead. She knows it.

 

* * *

 

Five days after Merlyn comes to them with the sword, Felicity wakes from a dream she can’t quite remember, but one that leaves her with a small, annoying feeling of dread in the pit of her stomach.

 

Oliver’s not dead. She can’t believe it. She _won’t_ believe it.

 

But then Nyssa pays them a visit, and everything comes crashing down.

 

_...tbc..._


	3. Falling

* * *

**The Only Words That Matter**

**_Falling_ **

****

Felicity, Roy, and Diggle are sitting in the Foundry. They haven’t been on a case since the night Malcolm Merlyn came to tell them that Oliver was dead, and they’re here to discuss the idea of taking on cases without him. Roy has just started arguing that Oliver would have wanted them to keep fighting when a voice they don’t often hear speaks unexpectedly from the top of the stairs.

 

“I’m sorry to interrupt.”

 

The three of them look up to find-

 

“Nyssa?” Felicity asks in confusion. “What are you doing here?”

 

“I come bearing news. News I fear you may have already heard from a more unreliable source.”

 

No one responds, and Nyssa takes their silence as her answer. She walks down to them, stopping when she reaches the bottom of the stairs.

 

“Malcolm Merlyn has told you then. No doubt _he_ was the one who took the sword from on top of the mountain. I had hoped to bring it to you myself along with the news. I wanted to come sooner, but I was unable to leave my father’s side.”

 

“Why are you here?” Felicity asks quietly, and she stands from her spot in front of her computers, arms crossed over her chest in defiance. “Why are you here telling us this? You were never close to Oliver.”

 

The hostility in her voice does not go unnoticed, and Nyssa puts her hands out at her sides, as though to show them she’s unarmed. She takes a few steps closer.

 

“I know what it’s like to lose someone you care about,” Nyssa answers patiently, her voice trembling slightly at the end. “I also know that Oliver Queen did not kill Sara.”

 

Diggle pushes himself away from the table he’s been leaning against.

 

“You do?”

 

Nyssa nods. “When he came to confess, there was no guilt in his eyes. He cared for Sara. He would not have killed her. I do not think my father knows the truth. But I _will_ find the one who killed her…and I will make them _suffer_.”

 

Felicity looks to Diggle and the two of them share a quick, quiet look.

 

Nyssa can never find out about Thea.

 

“There is something else as well,” Nyssa continues, and she reaches into her pocket and pulls out a small black device.

 

“A flash drive?” Felicity asks in confusion.

 

“You have the sword already, and you have my word, but we could not find his body. I fear he fell too far and was buried under the snow, or perhaps lost in a deep chasm. I thought that maybe you would want proof.”

 

Felicity’s heart skips a beat, and then starts pounding hard in her chest.

 

“I felt you all deserved to know what happened. I hid a camera in the trees. The video on this drive will show you Oliver Queen’s death.” She looks at Felicity as she talks, and an unspoken understanding passes between the two of them.

 

This video is for _her._ Whether Nyssa knows of her doubt or not, she clearly understands how Felicity feels about Oliver.

 

Nyssa steps closer to her and holds out the flash drive.

 

“You do not need to watch it. But I felt you deserved the choice.”

 

Felicity stares at the flash drive and takes a deep breath.

 

Then she reaches out and takes it.

 

“Felicity.” Diggle says her name gently as he walks toward her. “Are you sure you want to watch this?”

 

Felicity turns toward her computer bank, expertly slides the flash drive in, and opens the video file.

 

“I have to,” she answers.

 

Eventually, the file loads, and she, Diggle, and Roy watch as Oliver makes his last stand.

 

The more she watches, the more she doesn’t want to, but she knows she needs to see this.

 

The world goes quiet around her. Diggle, Roy, Nyssa, the club above them, the city around them, all of it may as well not be there. All that exists in the world is her and this video. All that exists, all that matters, is Oliver.

 

She watches: her blood pounding, her skin crawling…her heart shattering.

 

She watches as Oliver fights. He’s outmatched, it’s clear from the get go, but he doesn’t give up. He fights his hardest, harder than she’s ever seen him fight.

 

She watches as Ra’s Al Ghul backs Oliver up against the edge of the cliff.

 

There’s a second, nothing more, where Felicity thinks that maybe, just maybe, he can win this fight.

 

But then it’s over.

 

She watches as Ra’s Al Ghul jabs him in the side. Watches him punch him in the throat.

 

She watches Oliver fall to his knees. Watches Ra’s Al Ghul lift his chin up.

 

And then Ra’s Al Ghul stabs him, and Felicity feels the ground fall out from under her feet.

 

She wants to stop looking. She wants to stop thinking, to stop feeling, to stop breathing, but she can’t.

 

Oliver stares into space, and Felicity imagines Oliver’s life flashing before his eyes, and she thinks her heart may literally break because it hurts like nothing ever has.

 

And then he’s gone. Ra’s Al Ghul kicks him off the cliff, Oliver disappears over the side, and the video cuts out.

 

She stands there in silence. Roy whispers “oh my god” from one side of her, Diggle turns away from her on the other.

 

They stand in silence, and they grieve.

 

Felicity doesn’t scream, or cry, or do any of the things she feels like she should do. She can only stand and stare at the computer. The screen may be black, but she can see it all clear as day. It plays over and over again in her mind. Oliver fighting. Oliver collapsing to his knees. Oliver falling off the edge.

 

She doesn’t feel any of the things she thinks she should.

 

She feels nothing.

 

Felicity has no idea how much time passes before Nyssa finally speaks again. It could be minutes, or hours, or years, and frankly she doesn’t care.

 

“I am sorry to bring you this news, but I felt you deserved to see it for yourselves. Oliver Queen is dead. I wish to offer you solace, but I feel I have none to give.”

 

“I need some air.” Roy’s voice cracks on the last word, and he turns and leaves without saying any more.

 

Diggle stands next to her silently, and she can feel his eyes boring a hole into her, trying to read her, to know what she’s feeling, to decide what to do.

 

Felicity closes the video program and stares at the computer screen.

 

“Felicity….”

 

Diggle’s voice is soft, concerned, but he clearly doesn’t know what to say, and how could he, because what the hell do you say after watching something like that?

 

Felicity continues to stare at the computer’s home screen, when suddenly her eyes settle on a small icon in the bottom left corner: an icon that simply reads “MM.”

 

And just like that, the void inside her fills, overflows, and explodes. Just like that she no longer feels nothing.

 

She feels anger. Rage.

 

It’s a feeling she’s not used to, and it should scare the hell out of her, but it doesn’t. It fills her with a strange calm; a sense of purpose.

 

She rips the flash drive out of the computer, throws it to the floor, and smashes it under her heel.

 

Diggle takes a step to the side in surprise.

 

“Felicity-”

 

“Leave me alone.”

 

Her voice comes out emotionless, dead, because her anger, her rage, and her hate are directed at one thing and one thing only.

 

Malcolm Merlyn.

 

“Felicity.”

 

Diggle puts his hand on her shoulder, and she moves away automatically, turning to face him.

 

“I need to be alone,” she repeats. “Please.”

 

He stares at her, trying to read her, but her face is a blank slate and she knows he’ll find nothing written on it.

 

Finally, he nods. “Okay. But I’ll be right upstairs at the club when you want to talk.”

 

He turns and walks away, but he pauses at the bottom of the stairs and looks back.

 

“If you need anything, and I mean _anything,_ you’ll come and find me.”

 

Felicity nods.

 

“Promise me?” he asks.

 

It’s the last thing she wants to do, but she says the words any way.

 

She lies.

 

“I promise.”

 

Diggle nods at her once more, walks up the stairs, and closes the door behind him.

 

Felicity turns back to the computer, fingers flying over the keyboard.

 

She only remembers that Nyssa is still in the room when she puts a gentle hand on her shoulder.

 

Felicity stops what she’s doing, but she doesn’t shrug the other woman away.

 

“Oliver Queen was a good man,” Nyssa whispers. “He didn’t deserve this.”

 

“No,” Felicity agrees quietly. “He didn’t.”

 

Nyssa leaves, and Felicity turns her attention back to the computer.

 

She doesn’t go upstairs to Verdant. She doesn’t call Diggle. There’s only one thing Felicity needs right now, but it’s something she has to do by herself.

 

Five minutes later, she sneaks out the back door of Verdant.

 

* * *

 

After Merlyn brought her the blood covered sword, Felicity pinged his cell phone. She did it as soon as he turned his back on her; it only took her a few seconds. She wasn’t sure in the moment why she was doing it, but now, as she drives closer and closer to the signal coming off of his phone (and hopefully closer to the man himself) she’s glad that she did.

 

She follows the signal to a rundown hotel on the outskirts of the Glades. She drives down to the next block and parks her car. Pulling her key out of the ignition, she checks the program on her phone that’s tracking the signal. He’s definitely in the hotel. Or at least, his phone is. Or was. She has no way of knowing if he’s here now, or if he’s ever been here at all. For all she knows, he knew that she would track him and he ditched his phone here.

 

But this is all she has. This is her best shot at finding Malcolm Merlyn.

 

Felicity grips the steering wheel tightly in her hands and breathes deep, attempting to steady her pounding heart. But she only allows herself a moment. Ten seconds later she’s climbing out of her car and heading toward the hotel.

 

Her phone leads her to the door of room 203. She puts her hand on the knob, takes another deep breath, and pushes the door open.

 

She finds him sitting on the edge of the bed, a drink in his hand and a knowing smile on his face.

 

Malcolm Merlyn.

 

He takes a sip of his drink before speaking.

 

“I knew you’d show up eventually, when you finally realized I was telling the truth.”

 

He smirks at her as she closes the door behind her. He finishes his drink and sets the glass down on the nightstand, leaning back slightly on the bed. He’s not flinching, not budging; he looks almost comfortable.

 

“From what I’ve heard, you’re a smart woman, Ms. Smoak. I knew you’d find me here. You tracked my cell phone signal, am I right?”

 

Felicity wonders what he’s playing at. Why would he stay if he knew she was coming? But she doesn’t ask him that question, because she doesn’t really care about the answer. Instead she says:

 

“If you knew I’d show up, then you know why I’m here.”

 

He stands up, still smirking at her in that knowing way that makes her blood boil with rage and run cold with fear at the same time.

 

“Of course I do,” he responds, taking a step toward her. “You’re here to kill me.”

 

Felicity shakes her head.

 

“This is your fault. _All of it._ Thea was the only family he had left. You poisoned your own daughter. You made her kill an innocent woman. All to save your own sorry skin.”

 

She takes a step toward him….

 

And she pulls a gun out of her coat pocket.

 

“You don’t deserve to live,” she spits at him, her voice full of a venom that’s unfamiliar to her ears.

 

“You know, you’re probably right about that.”

 

She raises the gun in her hand and points it at him.

 

“You’re a monster.”

 

“You’re probably right about that, too,” he responds…and then he laughs; Merlyn actually _laughs_ , while she has a gun pointed at his chest.

 

“But you really should put the gun away before you hurt yourself, Ms. Smoak.”

 

Her heart starts beating faster, and her hands start sweating.

 

“You do know the safety’s still on, right?”

 

Felicity looks down at the weapon in her hands, and it suddenly hits her: she doesn’t know how to work a gun.

 

Merlyn moves closer and points to a switch on the gun. “The little switch on the side, right there. Flick it off. Good girl.”

 

She does, but her hands are shaking now. The condescending tone, the fact that he’s still standing there, balls of brass, not backing down…it all unnerves her.

 

“You don’t think I’ll do it?” she asks, lifting the gun toward him again. Tears are rising in her eyes now. “You took _everything_ from me. You really don’t think I’ll kill you?”

 

“No. I don’t.”

 

Felicity grabs the gun in both of her hands, steadies it, and takes a deep breath.

 

“Well, you thought wrong.”

 

Her finger finds the trigger, and she would swear she sees the briefest glimpse of fear in Malcolm Merlyn’s eyes.

 

But then she hears a voice calling her name, and the world stands still.

 

“Felicity.”

 

It can’t be. It just can’t be.

 

She lets out a breath she didn’t know she was holding and her fingers loosen their grip on the gun, but she somehow manages to hold on to it.

 

It can’t be.

 

“Felicity, put the gun down.”

 

It’s not.

 

She turns her head around to find John standing behind her, arms up at his side in a gesture of submission.

 

For the briefest moment, caught up in her anger and grief, she thought she’d heard Oliver’s voice. But it wasn’t him.

 

John steps around next to her, arms still up at his side.

 

“Felicity…don’t do this.”

 

She gazes at John, but she can’t see him. All she can see is Oliver. The vision plays out in her mind, over and over, a moment of horror set on a continuous loop.

 

Oliver falling to his knees. The sword entering Oliver’s chest. The light leaving Oliver’s eyes. Oliver’s body, falling off the cliff.

 

“I have to,” Felicity sobs, turning back to Merlyn, and her finger finds the trigger once more. “Someone needs to stop him.”

 

“And someone will. But it’s not you.”

 

“HOW DO YOU KNOW?!” Felicity screams, and the hands that hold the gun are trembling now. “How do you know I won’t do it? How are you both so damn _sure_?”

 

“Because _I know you_ , Felicity. And you’re not a killer.”

 

Tears she’s been holding back all night begin to fall.

 

“People change, John.”

 

“You’re right, they do. Especially when they lose someone they love.”

 

A sob rips itself from her throat against her will.

 

“I know it hurts,” he continues, stepping closer. “And I know it’s going to take time, but the important thing is to honor the memory of the ones we’ve lost.”

 

He puts a gentle hand on her shoulder, and her whole body is trembling now.

 

“Oliver wouldn’t want you to become a killer.”

 

Rage courses through her, hot and angry once more.

 

“We don’t know what Oliver would have wanted because HE’S DEAD!”

 

Felicity screams out the words, and it’s there, in the middle of a rundown hotel room with a gun pointed at Malcolm Merlyn, that it hits her. Final, and true, and hard, and so fucking _painful_ that she’s afraid the weight of her grief will crush her to pieces.

 

She thought she’d heard Oliver’s voice when John walked into the room, but she hadn’t.

 

Because he’s gone.

 

She’ll never hear Oliver call her name again.

 

Oliver falls over and over again in her mind. Falling, falling, always falling.

 

She feels like she’s falling with him.

 

“He’s…dead. Oliver’s _dead_.”

 

Her arms fall limp at her sides, the gun crashing to the floor. She turns back to John.

 

“He’s _gone_. Oh, _god_.” Her voice cracks, her vision blurs, and the world starts to spin around her. “He’s really _gone.”_

Her knees give way as her world falls apart.

 

Luckily, John is there to catch her. He grabs her arms and holds her, falling gently to the floor beside her.

 

He doesn’t say a word, just pulls her close and hugs her, lets her bury her face in his neck and sob.

 

“He told me he loved me and I just let him walk away. How could I do that? He’s gone, John. He’s gone…and I never…I never told him….”

 

She can’t get the words out through the sobs that are threatening to rip her body and soul apart, but she doesn’t need to.

 

“He _knew_ , Felicity. He knew.”

 

She hears the quietest gasp escape John’s mouth, feels the softest shudder go through him, and she wraps her arms around him and hugs him back.

 

He doesn’t cry, even though she knows he wants to. Instead he holds on to her, holds on _for her_ , and lets her fall.

 

Malcolm Merlyn leaves the room at some point, but she neither notices nor cares. The only thing she can think of, the only thing that matters, is this:

 

“I never told him that I love him.”

 

_...tbc..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a very hard chapter to write. Dealing with the idea of Felicity attempting to kill someone was difficult. 
> 
> I firmly believe that, in the context of this story, if Diggle had not shown up when he did, Felicity would never have killed Merlyn. Merlyn is a sick, sadistic bastard who gets a kick out of toying with Felicity’s emotions, but he was right, and so was Diggle. Felicity is devastated, angry at Merlyn, and caught up in the moment, but I never once thought that she would actually do it. Writing her toeing that line was a real challenge.


	4. Dreaming

* * *

**The Only Words That Matter**

**_Dreaming_ **

 

Two days later, Felicity, Diggle, Thea, Roy, and Laurel have a quiet funeral for Oliver.

 

They aren’t ready for the city or the world at large to know, and there’s no body to bury. It’s Thea’s idea to break into the old Queen estate to set up a memorial for Oliver there, right between Robert’s old tombstone and Moira’s new one, which rests where Oliver’s used to before he had it torn down two years ago.

 

Diggle searches the grounds and finds a rock large enough to use as a headstone. He heaves it back to the site of the Robert and Moira’s graves. Roy offers to help him, but Diggle shakes his head.

 

It’s something he wants to do alone.

 

As Diggle hacks away at the rock, carving Oliver’s name into it, Felicity wanders off quietly to find a stone to place on his grave. She finds the perfect one and brings it back, just as Diggle stands, wiping sweat off his forehead.

 

It’s a simple headstone, and when she sees what Diggle has carved there, Felicity doesn’t fight the tears.

 

_Oliver Queen. Brother, friend, hero._

The five of them stand over the stone quietly, waiting for someone to say something. But they’re all grieving in their own ways, and no one knows what to say. Diggle’s words say it all.

 

Finally, Felicity holds up the stone she found. It’s rough and bumpy on one side, but smooth as silk on the other, and it’s covered in a bright sheen of green moss. It reminds her so much of Oliver, who could be hard and tough one minute, but gentle and kind the next.

 

“Jewish tradition,” she says quietly, holding the stone out so they can all see it. “I know he wasn’t Jewish, but….” She chokes up, unable to continue, as she thinks about how she said these same words mere months ago over Sara’s grave.

 

She steps forward and places her token down next to the headstone, running her hand gently along the words carved into it.

 

She stands, and the only words she finds to say are the only words that matter; words she should have said a long time ago.

 

“I love you, Oliver.”

 

She steps back, tears falling quietly down her cheeks.

 

Laurel and Roy walk away silently, heading off to the garden where Felicity found her stone, and she knows they’re off in search of their own.

 

Diggle steps forward next. He bends down and strokes the headstone in the same way Felicity did.

 

He’s already placed his own stone.

 

Standing up and stepping back, Diggle whispers, “You were like a second brother to me, Oliver. I’m gonna miss you, man. I just…I wish I could have saved you.”

 

He steps back, wiping at his eyes, and Felicity wants to go to him, to hug him, but she barely has enough energy to keep herself standing. She doesn’t know how to comfort someone else.

 

Laurel comes back first and places a pinecone next to Felicity’s stone.

 

“I still remember our first Christmas together. It was the first time you told me you loved me. I wish…I wish I could have said goodbye.”

 

It hits Felicity, now more than ever, that Oliver couldn’t have had enough time to say goodbye to everyone that he cared for.

 

Roy finally comes back and places his own stone next to the other tokens. Felicity smiles when she notices that it’s shaped like an arrowhead.

 

“You never lost faith in me, even when I had lost faith in myself. You were my hero, Oliver, and you always will be. I wish I had told you that.”

 

Roy steps away and moves to stand beside Thea.

 

Thea stares at the headstone, and they all wait in silence, lost in their own thoughts.

 

Finally, Thea moves forward and kneels down on the ground. She pulls from her pocket the hosen that Oliver gave her when he came home. She places it gently with the rest of their tokens.

 

“Oliver…I’ve already lost you once. I can’t…I can’t do it again.” She reaches out, runs her hands over the words Diggle carved so tenderly. “How could you leave me again?”

 

She breaks down at the foot of her family’s graves, and the sight of Thea’s grief has Felicity in tears once more. She reaches down deep, finds a strength she didn’t know she still had – a strength she will need desperately in the weeks to come – and forces her feet to move.

 

She kneels down at Thea’s side and pulls her close, hugging her tightly. Thea hugs her back, and the two women take what comfort they can in each other.

 

* * *

 

It’s not the last time Felicity says, “I love you.”

 

On the last day of Hanukkah, as she lights the last candle on her menorah, Felicity whispers, “I love you, Oliver.”

 

No one answers back.

 

* * *

 

She says it the next day, on Christmas, when she, Roy, Thea, Diggle, and Laurel sit around Thea’s giant Christmas tree and tell stories about Oliver. She doesn’t tell them what Oliver said to her before he left. She shared Oliver’s words with John, but she won’t share them with anyone else.

 

Oliver hadn’t expected her to say them back, and Felicity knows that if she had, he may never have gone. And as horrible and selfish as it makes her feel – even if it means that Oliver never left to save his sister – Felicity wishes with every fiber of her being that she had said those words back to him.

 

Instead she whispers them into the quiet, pine scented air.

 

“I never told him that I love him."

 

* * *

 

On New Year’s Eve, she sits at home alone on her couch. Everyone else has gone to Diggle’s house, but Felicity has decided that she needs to be alone. She finds Mrs. Fernandez’s cat Francisco howling miserably outside her door and takes him inside. She lets him eat a bit of tuna from a can, then cuddles with him on the couch to watch the ball drop.

 

5…4…3…2…1. Happy New Year!

 

Felicity cuddles Francisco close to her and whispers “I love you” into his fur.

 

The cat sleeps in her bed that night.

 

The next morning she cuts off all of her hair. It’s sloppy and uneven, and she figures she’ll need to see a stylist at some point, since her brown roots are showing more than they have in years, but for now she just doesn’t care.

 

New year, new beginnings.

 

She brings Francisco back to Mrs. Fernandez and heads off to the Arrow Cave.

 

She finds Roy, Diggle, and Laurel already there.

 

“We came to a decision last night,” Diggle says. If he notices her hair, he doesn’t say anything.

 

“We’re hoping you’ll agree with us,” Roy adds.

 

Felicity nods her head. She knows what they’re going to say. It’s the same realization she’s already come to.

 

“We have to keep fighting. It’s what Oliver would want.”

 

* * *

 

And they do. Roy continues to fight as Arsenal. Diggle dons the hood from time to time, so that no one can connect Oliver’s disappearance to the Arrow’s. Felicity puts in her earpiece and does what she does best.

 

Laurel joins them from time to time. She’s donned her own black leather jacket, and she fights in Sara’s memory as The Black Canary. She still needs a lot of training, which she gets with Ted Grant, and the new Team Arrow only lets her help on their easier missions.

 

Felicity lets her stylist dye her hair blonde, but she refuses to let her touch the cut. She likes the messy, broken look, and the fact that she can no longer tie it up in a ponytail doesn’t bother her has much as she thought it would.

 

Oliver always seemed to like it when she had it down.

 

She goes back to work for Ray on the second day of the new year. She doesn’t tell him that Oliver has died; only that she has lost a really good friend.

 

In the end, while he never suspects that it’s Oliver, he realizes that the friend she lost was more than just a friend.

 

“I know that look, Felicity. It’s the same one I saw every time I looked in the mirror after I lost my wife.”

 

She doesn’t deny it, and when she starts to cry, he hugs her. There’s nothing romantic about the hug; she’s in pain, a pain he knows all too well, and he only wants to comfort her. He assures her that he will be there if she ever wants to talk.

 

She never does.

 

He brings up his plans to save the city from time to time, but Felicity’s heart isn’t in it, and he knows it. Eventually he stops bringing it up all together.

 

While Felicity continues to go to work, her heart is never really in that, either. She lives for the nights she spends in the Foundry, fighting the good fight and honoring Oliver’s memory.

 

Before she knows it, more than a month has gone by since Oliver died. Laurel is slowly beginning to come into her own, Diggle is getting used to fighting in the hood, and Roy has finally begun to patch things up with Thea.

 

Every morning, Felicity wakes up with the sight of Oliver falling to his death burned into her eyelids.

 

Every morning, Felicity pulls herself out of bed and keeps going.

 

There are days when she wants to crawl under her covers and never come out. One particularly bad morning, Felicity calls Diggle sobbing, because even though she’s awake she can still hear Oliver’s voice calling her name as he falls off the cliff, and it scares the hell out of her. Diggle wonders if maybe she should see a therapist, but Felicity flat out refuses.

 

No therapist could possibly understand what she’s going through.

 

In time, the bad days become fewer and farther between. Felicity finds new reasons to get out of bed each morning.

 

And then one night, Felicity doesn’t dream about Oliver dying. Instead, she sees him alive and whole, and he’s smiling at her. He says her name, and she wakes up, a smile on her face for the first time in nearly five weeks.

 

She doesn’t tell anyone about the dream, afraid that if she talks about it or mentions it to anyone she’ll lose it forever and never see him again.

 

The next night, Felicity has a similar dream. Only this time, Oliver smiles at her and tells her he loves her. Felicity wakes with the words “I love you” on her lips, and she whispers them to her empty room.

 

Later that day at work, Ray remarks that she looks almost happy.

 

Over the next two weeks, she continues to dream of Oliver. The location and the content of the dreams change constantly…but they always end the same.

 

One night they’re in the Foundry. Oliver has just come back from catching a bad guy, and he’s still in his Arrow suit. He bends down, kisses her tenderly, and tells her that he loves her.

 

The next night they’re at Big Belly Burger. Oliver leans over the table, dunking his sleeve in a bowl of ketchup in the process, and he laughs as he says, “I love you.”

 

Another night they’re in Oliver’s old office, and she brings him a cup of coffee, and instead of saying “thank you,” he says, “I love you.”

 

One night they’re lying in the sand on the beach of Lian Yu. They’re staring up at the starry night sky, and Felicity says something that makes him laugh. He climbs on top of her slowly, leans down, and kisses her. She moans into his mouth, and when he pulls away he smiles, leans back in, and whispers, “I love you,” against her neck.

 

Every night, Felicity dreams of Oliver. Every night he tells her that he loves her. And every morning, Felicity wakes before she can say the words back.

 

She says the words into the silence of her bedroom instead, and she wishes she could have said them before it was too late.

 

The desire to return to sleep and finally tell Oliver how she feels is powerful; it takes every bit of strength she has to get out of bed each morning and move on.

 

Sixty-two days after Oliver left to fight Ra’s Al Ghul, Felicity dreams that Oliver makes love to her. Afterward, he holds her close and whispers “I love you,” into her hair. Felicity wakes to an ache that suffuses her entire body and leaves her shaking. She finds herself alone in her bed, as she knew she would, and she says, “I love you, Oliver,” with a whimper.

 

Sixty-three days after Oliver left to fight Ra’s Al Ghul, Felicity wakes from a dreamless sleep, and she starts to cry. She hasn’t cried in weeks, but she’s gotten used to seeing Oliver in her dreams, and she’s terrified of losing that.

 

It feels like she’s losing Oliver all over again.

 

She wanders through her work day, unable to focus on anything. Ray lets her leave early, even tells her to take a few days off, because he knows that something is wrong.

 

She heads to the Foundry earlier than she usually would, only to find that she’s not alone.

 

Diggle and Roy are there already. Diggle is hugging someone, and when he steps away, Felicity feels the ground fall out from under her.

 

It can’t be.

 

“Oliver?” She whispers it so quietly she’s not even sure she’s said anything.

 

And then he smiles at her, and it’s so much like the smile she saw in her dreams that she feels herself smiling back, even as her eyes fill with tears.

 

“Felicity.” Oliver says her name in the way that only he can say it, and his voice is so familiar and beautiful it makes her heart ache.

 

Roy and Diggle leave the room at some point, but Felicity doesn’t notice. Her feet move her slowly toward him, and she doesn’t notice that, either. The only thing she’s aware of is _him._ Alive and whole and standing in front of her like he never left.

 

Finally, she stands close enough to touch him, and she does. She places her hand gently over his chest, right over the spot where the sword entered him. She can feel the scar of the wound through his shirt, but he’s warm and his heart is beating steadily and he’s _alive._

 

She stares up into his eyes, her tears falling without shame. She opens her mouth, and she wants to say so many things: “You were dead” and “how are you alive?” and “I don’t understand.” But when she finally speaks, she finds that the only words she has are the only words that matter.

 

“I love you, Oliver.”

 

He smiles at her and pulls her close, and when Felicity feels his heart beating against her own, she knows that this time, it isn’t a dream.

 

_...the end…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a lot of fun writing this, but I also shed a lot of tears. This show and these characters - especially Oliver, Felicity, and Diggle - inspire me so much, in more ways than one. Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed it and that it didn't make you cry too much.


End file.
